This morning, my mind woke me up with the usual b.s.: how are you going to get out of debt, how are you going to get everything done, why don’t you ever exercise anymore, etc., and just as I was about to roll over and try to sleep some more, I remembered it was a leap year. Extra day!! It only happens every four years! What am I going to do to make it count?! Not spend more time thinking about this b.s., that’s for sure!

I can remember almost every leap year for the last twenty or so years, but for some reason, 2020’s wasn’t sticking out for me. It was only four years ago, and it was one of the most memorable years we’ve had; why couldn’t I remember what I did? Then, I took to my journals from years past, and there it was: February 29, 2020. “Happy Leap Year! March is for Real Life!”

First of all, gosh, I was so sad. And while there will always be strings of moroseness and despair tied to my earthly reign, this was bottom-of-the-well type stuff. And I didn’t see what it was that was making me sad just yet. It was right around the corner, and I didn’t see it coming.

Second of all, this was the song I was listening to on the morning of Leap Year 2020: https://youtu.be/NHbs9Fs2VAA?si=riUhHHiCEs5yGm9G

And I specifically quoted the song as evidence that I was figuring out what I really wanted out of this life:

“This bottle of wine is to slow down my mind and forget the things that I knew. I knew.”

And if you’re ever left with any doubt

What you’ll live with and what you’ll do without

I’m only sorry that it took so long

To figure out.”

Bless it. Let’s examine all the lyrics of this song, shall we:

Drive out with the sun in your eyes
You wasted my time
It’s true, it’s true

My god, don’t you hold out your hand
I called off my plans
I counted on you, on you

And if you’re ever left with any doubt
What you live with and what you’ll do without
I’m only sorry that it took so long to figure out

Got lost in the places I’ve been
I should go out with my friends
I’d go tonight but I know you’ll be there too, there too

For me, this bottle of wine
Is to slow down my mind
And forget the things that I knew, I knew

And if you’re ever left with any doubt
What you live with and what you’ll do without
I’m only sorry that it took so long to figure out”

The amount of wishes that I made to extract me from that life could fill this old rambly house I live in now. I wanted so desperately to move out of that house, to begin the lives that we were telling each other we wanted, and I was constantly being told to wait. Wait one more month, year, five years. Just hold on, the good times are coming. And so I waited. And I spent my money to fill the sad parts of my heart, to keep the loneliness from waking me up at night. And I kept looking around, waiting on someone to come to my rescue, and it never happened.

So, I had to come to my own rescue.

While this life that I am currently in inflames my kidneys and causes me to wake covered in night sweats, I am eternally grateful for the chance I’ve been given to live it. To get what I was asking for. To live in a way that I had wanted to live for decades. It’s up to me to make the weather and to find paths for myself that ensure more stability and financial wealth, but the overarching picture of the life I have now is so full of love that I find myself in disbelief that it’s mine.

It was exactly what I had been asking for all those years, only I didn’t know it.

And while this leap day only comes once every four years, I will continue this feeling every day from this day forward.